Realizations

Have you ever gone through something only to realize later on that it was worse than you thought it was at the time you were going through it? Does that even make sense?

I think back to when my Dad was diagnosed with cancer in May 1993. As I look back on those few months I think that God kind of put bubble wrap around me so that the feelings and emotions were kind of cushioned...almost to the point that I couldn't acknowledge the entire experience at once.

Today I was looking at the photos on my cell phone. I had forgotten that on the 2nd day of dialysis that I'd taken pictures of myself. I look like I'm dead! The skin on my face is pulling my eyes and mouth down and I look like I am moments away from death.

It was around Thursday last week that I realized that I totally could have died. I think that in the recesses of my brain that I knew that might be a possibility but I think the "bubble wrap" was around me and I wasn't really able to totally comprehend and grasp how dire the situation could have been.

I know that in the hospital I thought about the possibility of having to be on dialysis for the rest of my life. I did think about the possibility of dying but that quickly flew out of my mind. Maybe it's just that people don't want to think of themselves dying.

Since my Dad died I haven't been afraid to die per se. I'm not afraid of being dead...I'm more afraid of the "getting dead" part...the process of how I will die. I don't want to die in pain and I don't want to die without notice. I want to have time to tell my loved ones that I love them and spend time with them before I die.

It's a good thing that my thoughts didn't linger on the reality of how sick I really was. Dialysis, blood clotting/not clotting issues, skin falling off my body. It wasn't until I was up and walking around the hospital and the nurses and doctors were amazed at how much better I looked that the thought came to me that I must have been much more ill than I had originally understood.

Anyway....

Despite my better judgement I'm posting a picture of myself.

Pathetic!

I went to follow up with my PCP on Friday. She's the one who prescribed the Bactrim for me. I had contemplated contacting a medical malpractice attorney because she prescribed Bactrim for me knowing that I was on Methotrexate. From everything we read on line that is NOT a good combo. As I visited with her I realized that I might be "up a creek" if I tried to sue her because I was on so many other drugs and there would be no way to tell what really caused the allergic reaction. I have this basic rheumy problem to begin with and is that what could have caused the allergic reaction to be so severe?

I've been home for a week and I'm doing a lot better. I still feel tired but as far as the kidney thing goes I am not feeling any ill effects from that.

I am still taking insulin 3 times a day, twice a day it's Novolog and then once a day at night I take Lantus. Giving myself the shots isn't as bad as I thought it would be. However, I am anxious to get off of it and am hoping that once I'm done with the Prednisone I'll be done with the high blood sugar thing. The insulin and test strips alone are $100 a month!

As for my rheumatological issues...I'm down to 20mg of Prednisone and unfortunately I don't feel as good with the lower dosage. I can feel every step these past couple of days and I feel like my joints are stiffer. Dr. Kazi thinks that I won't need any drugs after I'm off the Prednisone. As I am lowering the dosage I'm not so convinced. We'll see. I'm willing to give it a chance. I don't see him again until March 25.